Asking Eric: After paternity test, father struggles with relationship to children

Dear Eric The short version is I caught my ex-wife in bed with someone when I was years old At the time I had - - and -year-old children Two boys and one girl I remarried at years old and am now I just ascertained out through DNA testing that the three kids are not my children They all have different dads My ex is remarried and has two children from two other dads My first concern is my kids they will unfailingly be my kids to me and are incredible but I do worry deep down that it has affected them in different techniques With that being announced they have all mentioned I am their dad Deep down though I am having a terrible time dealing with it Not an hour goes by that I don t think of it all and when I see any of the six grandchildren I constantly think they are not blood related to me which unfortunately bothers me a lot But I also care about them all deeply How do I handle this Sad Dad Dear Dad I m going to start by telling you something you know but may be struggling to internalize blood relation is not what defines a family It can set the wheels in motion certainly but a family is built on and sustained by the connections you have the love you feel for each other the history that braids you together and the avenues you show up in each other s lives You ve raised these children into adulthood you ve been there for them you love them they are your children Moreover they have claimed you as their father That s so meaningful This isn t just a gesture to be nice this is your children telling you what they want and need to feel whole in this world And they re saying they need you their dad to continue to be their dad Think of this as part of your journey through fatherhood It s not what you would have chosen for yourself sure but this discovery has given you the opportunity to be intentional about being a parent and grandparent And it s given your children the same opportunity You may not have been part of their conception but you are their family of origin and you re their family of choice Dear Eric My boyfriend and I have been together for years We are both mature adults My dilemma is that whenever we are around other women my boyfriend locks eyes with a woman and stares at her seductively sometimes rubbing her back cuddling with her sometimes kissing her and giving her his undivided attention It doesn t matter if the women are wives of his friends neighbors new acquaintances and he even does his seductive stare while conducting business with women The women love it and it usually ends up being a mutual seduction I am pretty sure that he has had sex with a few of these women married or single When his seductive flirtations start I am ignored humiliated embarrassed and totally disrespected by both parties I say nothing while this is going on in front of my eyes I do not want to make a scene I dread going to any get-togethers with him because of his seductive come-ons to other women However privately I have confronted Lover Boy about his performance He lies says I am crazy and that it never happened Other than this trouble we get along great What is your advice Lover Boy s Lady Dear Lady This sounds profoundly unhealthy not to mention inappropriate Are other people at these get-togethers or in these professional situations not seeing this Something s not adding up Related Articles Asking Eric Fishy childcare cure frustrates friend Asking Eric After partner s death man is consumed by guilt Asking Eric Used car sale leaves neighbor feeling betrayed Asking Eric Senior siblings try to find a way to talk without conflict Asking Eric Years after parents death friend still hasn t dealt with inherited property You write that other than this you get along great but that s a pretty big this and I suspect it s destabilizing your whole relationship Two pieces of advice First this behavior is bothering you and it s wise to separate yourself from it if your boyfriend refuses to stop or acknowledge it s happening That may mean putting a pause on your relationship and physically separating yourself until this is resolved through counseling or conversation Second talk to friends you trust about what s going on Ask them if they re seeing the same thing you re seeing These displays are so residents that they should be able to affirm that what you re seeing is true and encouragement you in distancing yourself from it If they have a different perspective these conversations are a safer less charged space to double-check what you re thinking and seeing I don t want to give you the impression that I don t believe you I don t know what s happening and I accept your letter as fact But when we re getting disconfirming information about our experience it s helpful to get backup from those we trust Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com