Asking Eric: Stepchildren’s lack of manners reflects on stepmom

Dear Eric I am the stepmother to two great young men Their father and I have been together since they were teenagers When they were young it was a formidable but necessary position for me to be in when it came to teaching them about manners and household chores They thought I was nagging them to put a napkin on their lap take their hat off at the dinner table take their shoes off when they entered the house carry their dishes to the sink put the seat down etc Now that they are grown men I am running into a similar uncomfortable position with them and their essential others I feel like I am stepping on eggshells and biting my tongue when they come to visit because they have seemed to forget the things we taught them years ago At a new family gathering none of the kids offered to help They demonstrated up empty-handed sat down and waited to be served Once the meal was finished I had to ask them to help me clear the plates On another occasion they went to a family holiday that my husband and I did not attend because we were out of town It was broadcasted back to us that they displayed up empty-handed and did not offer to help the hostess clean up after the meal We were mortified My husband has offered to say something to them but his delivery is not invariably the best Please help us help them Stepping On Eggshells Dear Eggshells At this point I think you may be overcompensating for the manners you wish these men had so your husband s delivery poor though it may be could be a helpful last resort At the end of the day however these are adults and they have to be responsible for their own behavior If you re receiving reports about the behavior of these adults from friends I d gently remind these friends that you can t control another person s actions It may feel like it s a reflection on you or your parenting but it s not They own what they do But when they re guests at your home it will be helpful to verbalize expectations up front It s often easy to fall into old patterns especially at a childhood home But patterns don t have to be set in stone If you want help clearing the table tell them We re so happy you re here We want to have a gathering in which everyone is involved We ll serve and you clear How s that sound Dear Eric With the holidays approaching I m facing a dilemma Politically I guess I m a Libertarian because I am somewhere in the middle not far left or right That s one reason I don t like discussing politics as the greater part people who do are at one of the extremes The other reason is it s almost invariably a very negative narrative against the other side rather than what they believe is positive about their own side My dilemma is about Christmas I m from a very small family and have only a meager cousins left I m invited each year to a cousin s home for a lovely dinner party I m considering not going i e staying home alone this year because they are very liberal and very vocal about it If I don t chime right in with the Trump-bashing which will be over the top this year they accuse me of being a Trump supporter I have never voted for him I just don t like the tone it sets at a festive time of year and I choose not to participate We re getting older and it may be the last time I see chosen of them but the political rants just squash the spirit of the season I feel I can t say anything because it s their home and their party How do you suggest I tackle this No Grinches Dear No Grinches While it s true that it s their home as a guest and as a family member you can ask for what you need in order to feel peaceful and welcome Related Articles Asking Eric Conflict between daughter and father traps mother in the middle Asking Eric After relapse mother struggles with shame Asking Eric Family punished for missing wedding years later Asking Eric Siblings clash over commemorating deceased sister Asking Eric Neighbor s vacant home threatens property Start with a phone call Tell them you value them and want to spend time with them but that you find that the political debate wears on you and detracts from the holiday Don t get into the who-said-what of it all For the moment let s leave voting records out of it This is a conversation about how to have a conversation Ask them if they d consider focusing on family connectivity and celebration this year Now chosen families connect and celebrate by debating And maybe everyone in your family is like this save for you It s still accomplishable to modulate But it s going to take a conscious awareness of the patterns they fall into and a mutual decision to try something new Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com