Asking Eric: We were left in the corner amid the hoopla for our son’s wife

Dear Eric Our daughter-in-law in the last few days turned and they had a large party to celebrate at their house Related Articles Asking Eric After she plucked my hair I won t be seeing my mother anymore Asking Eric I got only K from my dad s estate Then I heard about my sister s spending spree Asking Eric Every month it s the same drill with our irresponsible friend Asking Eric I want to go no-contact because of the bride s snub Asking Eric I don t want my grandchild calling anyone else Nonna We were not invited but were sought to take care of their dog while they went to a family camp for a week prior to the party We have had a somewhat contentious relationship over the years but I thought we were doing so much better lately We both feel hurt at having been excluded Do you think we should just let it go We re feeling a bit used Not the Dogsitters Dear Dogsitters I understand your hurt but thinking generously it s manageable that your daughter-in-law considered asking you to help with their dog to be a way of including you It certainly could read as a peace offering she wouldn t ask someone she still has hard feelings about to care for a beloved pet See if you can bring up your feelings in a way that doesn t feel charged Think of it as a temperature check When repairing a relationship we often have to overcommunicate to make sure everyone is on the same page Dear Eric Even typing this makes me seem ungrateful but here we go My husband is a gift-giver it is how he shows his love He is also a collector of several things as is the rest of his family and I am not I am a practical person by nature Sometimes his gifts are too numerous or just impractical for example he gives me a gift every day of December as an Advent calendar The fact of the matter is I don t need or want all these gifts despite them being thoughtful and sweet This is not just a Christmas event it is for my birthday Valentine s Day Easter our anniversary etc I have tried saying that I don t need all these things but he says that he enjoys looking for them and giving them to me How can we strike a compromise I don t want to hurt his feelings and our marriage is strong aside from this issue Too Multiple Gifts Dear Gifts It might seem to several to be a champagne issue but too much champagne can be a real obstacle There are two sides to gift giving the intention and the impact Generally I think it does everyone a lot of good to weigh the intention more than the impact Or more absolutely it s the thought that counts But in your occurrence the impact an accumulation of thoughtful things that you don t need is crowding out the intention First what s the way that you like to show and be shown love That s significant here If there are techniques to divert your husband s energies so that he still gets pleasure from giving but you also get elation from getting it s a win all around However if you prefer acts of institution for instance and he loves to have something tangible to wrap and bestow you re still going to be a bit misaligned In that matter you might try talking with him specifically about practicality Sure it might not initially light his heart up to go shopping for a new set of silverware or a replacement printer for instance but he ll come around when he sees you definitely using and enjoying the gifts A conversation is a great place to start but a list will also be helpful here You might also suggest that he look for things that you both can enjoy together Maybe it s a board challenge maybe it s something less tangible like an excursion or a date night By broadening his concept of a good gift while narrowing the definition of a good gift for you you ll find yourselves aligned more Dear Eric My wife in the past few days passed away and I am doing OK Several of my wife s senior children keep wanting to come and visit me How do I politely say no without hurting their feelings When they have come before I was stressed as to how to entertain them for a week They think I would be helped by their visit but really I would prefer visiting by phone and emails Any suggestions No Visitors Yet Related Articles Miss Manners I can t be expected to help every lady with her carry-on bag Dear Abby My husband died months ago How do I let other men know I m ready Asking Eric After she plucked my hair I won t be seeing my mother anymore Harriette Cole After this disastrous trip with my co-workers I dread seeing them at work Miss Manners I was attacked online and my wife s family refused to take my side Dear Visitors I m sorry for the loss of your wife This kind of grief current and all-encompassing can be very hard and we have to take it day-by-day Loved ones are often at a loss for how to meaningfully help So a kind directness is going to be your best friend here Tell the kids the truth You love them but you don t have the maximum right now Tell them that phone calls and emails are really what will help you the the bulk right now Sometimes people need to be given a little guidance for how to show up They ll appreciate the nudge and you ll all have better less stressful virtual visits Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com