Asking Eric: Wife has racked up $16k in secret bills

Dear Eric Over the program of our -year marriage I have caught my wife in numerous lies We started marriage counseling three months ago and during an early session I required if we could eventually be truthful with each other no more lies No such luck Years ago her brother suddenly fled and left all his belongings She put them in storage but when I unveiled out I narrated her to remove them or have him pay the monthly fee This day I discovered she has been paying for her brother s monthly storage bill for at least years without my knowledge That comes to It may even be higher Initially she reported she was being reimbursed I petitioned for proof She stated she would show me Then she changed her story to say it s her money and she can spend it however she chooses so forget the proof Pretty sure there never was any proof of reimbursement My wife believes the best defense is to go on the offense and she does it a lot I am married to a liar a sneak someone with no conscience What should I do Deceived Again Dear Deceived Again Well hold on Is it her money Meaning in consideration of whatever your financial arrangement is is the money she used money she has sole discretion over If so then you don t really have standing to demand proof she got repaid Look I only know what you ve informed me Surely there s more to the story But you may be inserting yourself into decisions that were hers to make and perhaps her responses were her attempts to get you to stay in your lane Again from your telling it sounds like all of this started with a command stop storing your brother s belongings This is a place where a conversation is going to work better She surely has complicated feelings about family and obligation And there s a way of reading this that suggests she was forbidden from acting in the way that she thought was best You want an equal partnership where she ll be honest with you You might start by asking her in your next therapy session if there are places in your marriage where she feels she s not being treated like an equal partner Even if there s so much more that I m not getting here starting with questions is going to get you both a lot farther Dear Eric I have six siblings all retired and largest part of upper-middle class and all living in the same area My older sister Rachael survived marriage to a horrible man He died years ago and left Rachael with an unmaintained house that now should be condemned and nothing else She gets a small pension and Social Safety After years of talking with my siblings I decided to buy her a mobile home in a nice senior park Sibs all commented Wow That was really nice of you Then crickets The issue is Rachael won t do anything to get rid of her old house She goes there every day and brings more junk to the trailer It s been several months She s paying her park rent utilities on both homes and taxes She can t afford it Of late I narrated her she must sell soon because I want my money back It was the only thing I could think of to get her motivated It s not about the money at all What can I do to get this debacle behind us I think she s been so abused she doesn t think she deserves a decent place to live Haunted House Dear Haunted House Oh no If I m reading correctly you bought your sister a mobile home presumably as a gift And now you re telling her she owes you the money for it I implore you to retract If she has as you suspect been so abused that she doesn t feel comfort or belonging at home the last thing she necessities is another loved one further destabilizing her and dangling a past due bill that she didn t expect Related Articles Asking Eric years and no proposal what gives Asking Eric Parent gives daughter s ex free room and board plus a loan Asking Eric Daughter s clutter keeps getting her kicked out of apartments Asking Eric Friend is shell of himself after relationship Asking Eric Family thinks brother is too wealthy to be included in tradition What s the challenge with her taking longer than you want to deal with the old house What harm does it do you If you re worried that she can t afford everything then tell her that and offer to help her think through budgeting But also be open to her answer even if the answer is thanks but no thanks Right now she likely could use counseling to deal with the unprocessed grief and trauma leftover from her relationship Getting rid of the house may not be so simple So please don t demand she pay you back if that wasn t what was originally agreed upon That just sets her up for failure The onus for putting this debacle behind you is on you Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com