Asking Eric: Wife to stepdaughter — ‘this is war’

Dear Eric My wife and our -year-old daughter went to the wedding of my older daughter from a prior marriage My wife and daughter have dependably had a rocky relationship My younger daughter was a flower girl and she was required not to wear a tiara My wife gave me lots of arguments as to why my daughter should be allowed to wear a tiara My older daughter ultimately held her original stance Now my wife is livid at my older daughter She doesn t want anybody from my daughter s side of the family ever to come to our house et cetera She fights with me as if I m taking my daughter s side I m entirely telling her that I don t believe my older daughter orchestrated this to somehow be mean My wife in general has anger management issues Now she says This is war How can I explain to her that she is being unreasonable This isn t the first time my wife has had a very hot-headed reaction to things but she won t admit she has a trouble I ve tried getting to the source of this anger but with no success Oftentimes when she s speaking to her mother I have heard her telling my wife to calm down Please don t tell me to see a counselor because she will not do so What is the strategy for living with someone who is exceedingly hot-tempered If it wasn t for this aspect of our marriage we otherwise get along very well Heated Home Dear Home My hands get a little tied when people write don t tell me to do this thing that will help me Counseling is one of the things you and your wife need and her resistance to going perhaps indicates that she s not interested in solving the problems you have Indeed she s declared that she s going to war with your daughter It s hard to have armistice talks when your home is the battlefield Here s what you can control Start seeing a counselor on your own Processing your emotions about this will also help you to see new means of relating to or releasing this behavior I don t think that explaining to your wife that you think she s being unreasonable is your goal Instead try conveying to her what this reaction is doing to you and to your daughters I understand and respect that you feel angry Can you also understand and respect that your response is hurting me and threatens to damage the relationship our daughters have with us and with each other What can we do to turn down the temperature Dear Eric I m writing because something bad happened to my friend and I might have been able to prevent it On my friend s st birthday we met up at a party and started drinking She drank a lot but seemed to be having fun Around p m I decided to leave because I was tired I requested if she was OK to get home and she stated yes but she was clearly drunk Then I went home Fast-forward to the next day when she called me from chosen older man s house who she didn t remember meeting She was very stressed about it he had to be in his s I m wondering what the right thing to do was in that situation She says it s no big deal but I don t think it s nothing at all On the one hand I think we should be responsible for ourselves as adults On the other she was drunk and I basically ditched her to go to bed What do you think First One to Leave Related Articles Asking Eric Neighbor is friendly but drives drunk Asking Eric Niece grows distant from family after wedding Asking Eric Prolonged grief complicated by obsessive-compulsive disorder Asking Eric Friend drags up addiction-related offenses years later Asking Eric Volunteer s memory issues pose challenge for a church Dear First One I m sorry this happened to your friend I hope she continues to process it with you and with a school counselor There s a lot of daylight between a big challenge and no big deal We are allowed to talk through our complicated feelings even if we don t feel they re that big a deal Going forward a buddy system is reliably recommended when drinking Leaving her alone wasn t wrong but I wouldn t do it again When we drink our judgment gets impaired and a person alone with impaired judgment can be preyed upon If you re out with your friend and you re ready to go and she s not see if there s another trusted friend nearby who can get her home safe If not sometimes you have to call it A drunk friend may complain in the moment about being loaded into a cab just when the party was getting good but a friend who is safely nursing their hangover in their own home the next morning will thank you Also remember that neither of you has to drink in order to have fun And be careful as you learn about alcohol s effect on you Less is invariably more Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com